Happy New Year 2017

Hey, happy new year, guys. not too late to do such greetings, eh?

anyways, had a sombre and quiet Christmas and New Year's Eve. Kinda slept the year away.

Life? Still trying. Still having pains here and there. I guess it will never subside. Have to get used to it then.

Have a cockle-doodle-doo year peeps!

Just had an appointment at Hospital Sibu Specialist Clinic for my anemia findings.

Well, blood results showed improvements on my Vit B and Folic Acid side. Means i might stop taking those supplements.

However, they still cant find what triggers my anemia. Still low, my HB is about 10.8 where the normal readings are 13 and above.

Told the doctor I still have palpitations and cold sweats at night, sometimes getting flights of stairs made me huffing and puffing away.

Guess this is the reality, i'm getting worn out.

Be updating soon gais. muahssss

A Year After....

Hi guys.

its been more than a year since my last post.

well, what happened?

too many.....

i was admitted to Pusat Jantung Hospital Umum Sarawak (PJHUS) on 14 May 2016 after my whole body was bloated with fluid and i was rendered 'immobile'. 

Weight on admission : 121kg

Weight today : 70kg

spent 2 nights in Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) Level 2 for 2 days and 2 nights, before moved to the monitoring ward later. In between that, i underwent ECHO, angiogram and series of blood tests. discharged on 20th May 2016 and had a few cardiac clinic appointments from there on. underwent MRI scan in August. Next cardiac clinic in December in PJHUS Kuching.

I am a heart patient now. 

now start a new life all over again.

Thanks for all support emotionally, financially, and prayers during my ordeal.

God Bless.

During my normal days (circa November 2015)

Arrived in Kuching for treatment (circa May 2016)
Weight : 121 kg

Day 4 after out of Cardiac Care Unit (CCU). Notice the hospital gown still does not fit me well and it's the largest size.

Day 6 of admission

This was my medication drip line. Notice how bloated my arms were.

My 'art line' a.k.a artery line, only for withdrawing blood by opening the 'tap' (blue colour), so they dont have to poke my veins repeatedly.

Pusat Jantung Hospital Umum Sarawak Kota Samarahan (Home Away from Home)

Appointment Card a.k.a. IC for heart patients

Me today (November 2016)

 Weight : 70kg

Hi....
i know it's been a long time since i've written.
but cant find the heart and time to do so.
i'll try to be more consistent this time.

so many things to share.

I dont know what to say....

im broke, homeless, begging, and shameless.....
how?
long story. it's a chain reaction. that leads one to another.
but this beginning of the year proves to be very hard on me....like any other first few months of the past years. why?
in 2008, i cant concentrate on studies anymore, so in feb 2008 i went home to sibu, leaving my 4 sems of studies hanging...
in 2009, january, i found out my bf was married.
in 2010, before cny, i had a misunderstanding with my bosses coz one of my colleagues ratted me out.
in 2011, my dad passed away in early march. followed by my brother in june. that was just too much for me....
in 2012, i was broke like hell and my bike kept broke down. and i was accused of having an affair with my niece's bf. he never told me who he was until i found out who he is. and he didnt back me up, instead he blamed me for not being careful.
in 2013, i was jobless. had to work odd jobs babysitting and becoming a pastry worker. its hard coz the hours are long and the boss is moody.
in 2014, well.....here i am. everything is going in the wrong direction.

What if...

I'm still wondering.

If u're thinking of me.

If I'm the one in ur mind.

If I occupy ur mind every moment, just like mine does.

Or am I just a passing wind

Or just a frame of many moments in life.

 Tried hard to read u but I can't

Coz u changed 

Too fast, too soon, too hard....

 What if.....

u're totally the opposite?

Of what I think u are

Or of why u are the way u are?

What if, ego stands in the way?

What if, just what if....

it's still awkward

Still awkward....
still has doubts.
still covering up, still telling lies. i know, there's something in ur eyes. still has something that hasn't left unsaid.
no matter how much u told me u're ok with me, but i can sense that ure uncomfortable with me still.
what can i do to fix it? like how we were before. joking abt it and never felt guilty. but now, it's all taboo. now our hangouts are spent trying to rectify everything.
gosh, i am sorry it has come this way.

wtf

kau kata aku pelik????
kawu yg pelik....
sekejap ok, sekejap sik ok.
ketara bah perubahan kawu....aku bukan bodoh ok. u try to fool me, watever k.
dah berapa kali aku try to pujuk hati kawu, tp kawu masih juak mcm eksen2 takut2 nak jauh2 dr aku.
ku tok bait ati nak bekawan ngan kawu, jgn sampe aku moha...kawu blom kenal aku macam ni. Nyesal kawu kelak...jgn sampe aku dari cool jadi panas okeh!

Republik - Sandiwara cinta (official video )

Jujurlah sayang, aku tak mengapa,

Biar semua jelas tak berbeda,

Jika nanti aku yang harus pergi,

KU TERIMA WALAU SAKIT HATI.....

Thinking....

hye.
i just came back from a full-day course at Hotel Meligai. Kinda tiring coz u get to sit all day long.
But my mind wanders far today.
Today is my friend's birthday....
he's turning 29. And i didnt get him anything.
it's kinda sad coz i really wanted to celebrate, but not in my current situation.
i dont wanna upset anybody anymore. I dont mind not being appreciated, but at least, acknowledge my effort to mend this friendship.
I wud be very upset if i cant be happy for someone i'm close to.
But i guess no matter what i do, mending it or ignoring it, it doesnt bring much change.
becoz he wud still support the others over me, coz he knew them longer than i do. i'm not asking to be praised but as i said i regret that it has come to this.
I texted him, wishing him a great birthday. He replied saying that 'let's hangout later'. i dont knw if he means it, or doesnt mean anything at all, or he is annoyed by me pestering him....

Happy birthday, buddy.
have a blast. never live to regret.

It's okay....

Hey

i know u might be laughing at me behind my back rite now. I know u might be talking sh*t about me now too. If it makes u happy and satisfying, keep on doing it. Heck, bring along some friends too and laugh out loud.

U might not remember the times we shared. During happiness and sadness, in times of troubles and victory, in times of loneliness and sadness, i was there with u. I was there thru all ur troubles. I wanna make sure ure gonna be ok, eventhough my help isn't a big help at all. But at least I comforted u. Do u know why I wanted to do it all? Because I dont want u to feel helpless. I dont want u to feel afraid, feel lonely, or sad or worried. U said u're ok and u looked cool, but I know deep inside u're dying eventhough it's not ur fault. And now, u and ur friends turned ur backs on me. I dont want u to feel like the loneliest person in the world at that moment, because I have been there. And I wanna make sure my friends are well taken care of. But it seems that u forgot about me. I didnt expect anything in return. I just want u to know that I am there anytime u need me. U are my friend. And it is my responsibility to make sure that u're gonna be OK.

I remembered all the conversations we had. And all the things u said to ur friends. I remembered that u repeatedly said to ur friends that we're only friends. Yes, we are. And I'm afraid that we WERE friends. Coz i can feel that u're not comfortable around me or being with me. I am truly sorry that the friendship has come to this.I never meant to hurt anybody, but somehow I was misunderstood eventually. All my words, my actions, my meanings, my behaviour....was misunderstood.

But most of all, I had planned to celebrate ur birthday. Now, I'm gonna have to forget it. I told u, I'm gonna back out slowly if u dont feel comfortable with me. I apologised many times to u and ur friends. But none were accepted. But then again, it's ok. As long as ur happy and satisfied with what u had, I'm ok with it, eventhough I'm not part of the picture.

Happy Birthday to u, buddy. May God Bless U always and gave u all the abundances in the world. May u get whatever that makes u happy, smile always cos u looked good smiling. Walk with stride and full of pride, stand tall and be strong-hearted. Patience is a virtue and it doesn't hurt if u gave more. Learn from mistakes, respect ur parents, cherish every moment with ur family, grow old with ur friends and love them no matter how hard it is. I'm proud of u, coz I know how hard it is for u to be where u are right now.

But most of all, when u're up there, take a little moment and look at me down here.

God bless u.

hey...
my last post was on oct 25....no difference from then i suppose.
lemme see...
had too much on my mind lately.
my head and heart is overworked. i have been misunderstood....well, i guess let's just say it's not gonna be a gud year-end.
sorry buddies. i have made it hard on u guys.
but if u step in my shoes and sit in my mind for a while, u will know how it feels.
I've lost friends as easy as i get them. i care abt them but they chose the better person. i'm back to my old routine. it was short but sweet. thanks, buddy.

i want everyone to be happy, even if it doesn't include me in the picture. I dont mind being left behind, but at least have the decency and heart not to mention it in front of me. i never bragged in front of u abt my nite out, why should u? u wanna prove to the world that u're a star? dont get me wrong. ure not the star of the crowd. u never heard of wat they said behind u. have u ever wondered why they never talked abt the big nite out in front u? coz it's supposed to be a secret, not something that should be bragged on.

i knw i have nothing to offer, but at least be discreet abt it....what u did was like dangling a piece of meat in front of a lion.
i guess u guys will never understand. it's hard to find good people nowadays. so far, i only met good people with hidden agenda.

gotta stop now.

*Wave, wave*

Sorry guys, been a while since i last updated. ekcheli (actually), i have nothing to show off la. but just to tell u what's going on.

my situation???

i may be smiling and laughing outside, but deep inside, only God knows.....

Social media, y u so annoying yet irresistible at the same time?

Somehow, it never fails to remind me that social media that we're having now is kinda like a loose noose ur neck, waiting for the right moment to break it. Why I said that? Well, here's some of the things that i meant:

1. Facebook - a place for us to banter, bash or get mad at someone without revealing who it is. Also, a place for lovebirds to show off their relationships and pics of them together, disregarding how ppl tend to puke at it.

2. Twitter - On the other hand, this is for us to ask ppl to follow us by being mysterious a.k.a. clicking on the links to see the pics. It's all hyped-up when u see is equivalent to seeing a fly hovering a stinky poo.

3. Instagram - A status show-off tool. Be it high class food, hangout, clubs, newly bought stuff, places u go, trendy friends, yada yada yada.....

4. Wechat / Line / Kakaotalk / Viber / etc - One word - S.C.A.N.D.A.L.

5. Blogs - Well, personal diary that is not so personal. Depends on how much u want ppl to know abt something.

That basically sum up what we do in social media apps. So, which one of these apps u're guilty of?

Selamat Hari Malaysia

Selamat Hari Merdeka Ke-56 & Selamat Hari Malaysia Ke-50

50 Tahun Sarawak Merdeka Dalam Malaysia (16 September 1963-2013)

Pray for our peace and harmony where we can live together in loving and developing country.