Happy Wednesday!!! *Dragging Mode*

ermmmmsssss

it's only Wednesday????

oh my.....

well, have a great day ahead nevertheless, peeps.

A new world....

Hi....
it's been more than 8 months since my last post. I'm really sorry for not updating much. Still walking and tumbling down and walked again. What has been happening in the past months? Let me remember....

Well, since my work contract expired last Dec, I been helping my cousin with her home business. Not as much as I wanted but at least I had some income. Then in June, I got a job in one company. Good salary, not bad of a colleagues but still I had to adapt. Hard though when ure working with a Chinese boss.

2 weeks after, I got a letter. WOW! A govt job!! At last, He heard my prayers.... but in Kapit. It took so much courage and strength to go and leave everything behind.....

So now, here I am...been here for the past 2 months...I still miss home miserably....miss my cats. Miss my bed. Miss my home....the smell, the look, the warmth......

Deepest condolences to the family and kins of Datuk Kanang anak Langkau for his sudden demise early this morning. he will be dearly remembered for his courageous fight over communist during our communists times. Rest in peace, Apai.

just finished having kampua and bien sit from my favourite coffee shop in Rejang Park. yummy....

happy new year 2013

good morning everyone.
happy new year to all. good lord, it's been more than six months since my last post. lots has happened.
actually,im currently jobless. contract of work expired n was not renewed for 2013. i have been a contract staff in hospital admin for a year. love the job,learned a lot, work and life experience-wise. its less stressful than working with private company. the hours are less demanding, workload are less stressful but attitude towards work needs a lil tweaking. not being a smart ass,but honestly if these people worked with a private company, they will be having a hard time adapting to the work culture.

well, i miss going to work,im not used to stay at home alone. sigh*

5 years ago today at 9am 2nd brother Frankie Embuas passed away at Labuan Hospital due to blood clot in his arteries. He left a wife of 5 years, a loving family and in-laws, friends and loved ones still grieving on his sudden loss even until today. I still think of him as working away in Labuan and still waiting for his return every festive season. God help me through this very hard time especially when I'm alone in this world. Dear Frank, i love u and miss u every moment of the day, I am sorry for everything, all those unspoken words and actions. Be known to u that I regret not knowing u very well as much as a sister should be. Rest in God's hands, dear brother, for I am waiting to return to Him too and joined u and Daddy, Mommy and brother John Little and my stillborn sister Mary in Heaven.

Last month's happenings

Peeps
sorry for the long hiatus. Been busy and in deep thoughts. This first few months has proven to be the hardest in all my life. But on the bright side, I'm glad and thankful for all the blessings that has been bestowed upon me.
i celebrated new year alone at home. CNY also i stayed at home watching fireworks from my balcony. been meeting new friends, some are for keeps, some are just not worth thinking of. met old friends, faced disappointments continuously, hardships in relationships...making tough but worthy decisions.
Met the One...hoping for the relationship to grow and blossom.
Towards the end of March...thinking of my late Dad as his 1st anniversary arrived. i'm sorry, Dad, for not becoming the daughter u hoped to be. I'm sorry Mommy, i'm not who u expected to grow into. I'm sorry Frank and John, for not appreciating u as i shud.
Life is an ongoing lesson.There's no exams or assignments, just consequences of decisions we made every second of our journey.
I miss my family...from the time I opened my eyes in the morning till i shut my eyes to sleep. In my daily tasks, they're constantly on my mind...thinking if they're still alive and around...how would my life be.
I never showed my inner feelings to others...not that i dont want to but nobody listens.
still hoping to see the silver linings in the dark clouds that hovers over me....still standing tall over people who try to bring me down. deafening my ears to all those negative ignorances people threw at me. blinding my eyes from seeing all the things that broke my heart. walking away and brushing the dust off me after being pushed by those who would love to see me crash and burn.
mending my broken heart...putting my trust together after shattered to pieces. sending my hopes and wishes to the wind and stars in the sky, in hope that someone catches it.
April, another new month to tread on. Life, as in my opinion...is an neverending Alice's rabbit hole. They may caught u in surprise with trials and tribulations.
guide me when i need light, lift me when i fall, hold my hands when i'm lost, strenghten me when i'm weak, shield me when i'm under attack....those are my wishes for April 2012.

Mommy's 5th Anniversary (8 March 1949 - 11 August 2006)

I didn't realize it, until a friend mentioned his birthday today...his coincided with Mom's death. As for now I have tonnes of things to say...but I couldn't put it into words.
If I could have one real conversation with Mom today, I would have lots of things to ask, things to tell, things to cry on, things to laugh at. I would like to hug her, not wanting to let her go. I would bring her to go and dine at her fave restaurants, having her fave food. Take her window shopping, buy her things she wanted. Hold her hands while walking side by side. It will be a blissful and memorable day. All this I wanted, for whatever cost it may take. But I come to realize one thing, am I willing to let her go again, like 5 years ago? I still had a hard time coping with her demise. With no family around me anymore, it's hard for me to talk about this. All I can do now is cry my heart out, remember our best moments, pray for her and feeling better. As I quote Albert Smith, tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.
Mommy, aku cukup lelengau ka nuan...pedis aku nadai nuan madah ka aku tuku pengidup tok. Nuan nadai ngajar aku, nuan nadai ba sepiak aku maya aku tusah, maya aku gaga. Mommy, nuan semampai dalam ati nggau sembahyang aku. ( Mommy, I really miss u...it's really hard for me not having u telling me about life lessons. Ure not here to guide me, ure not by my side when I sad, when I'm happy. Mommy, ure always in my heart and prayers.)

My dear late brother John Little..RIP

John Little ak Jeffrey Demang (15th June 1967-22nd June 2011)

On June 13 morning, my eldest brother, John Little was unconscious at the longhouse in Bawang Assan. The ambulance took him to the hospital that morning with little hope in my heart. He was admitted to ward in noon for observation. He was severely dehydrated and hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). The doctors told me of his weak heart and lung infection which explains why he has been having terrible mucus and cough. I took care of him in the hospital for 6 days with 3-hourly feeding time of Enercal milk via feeding tube. He even spent his 44th birthday in the ward which falls on the 15th. He was discharged on the 19th and went home to longhouse.

During the day, he was on normal behaviour and diet of 30ml of glucose drink and 3-hourly milk. Lunch and dinner consists of blended diet of porridge, fish and vegetable. By night, he couldn't slept a wink. He constantly whining and moaning..I guess he is in great deal of pain but he couldn't tell me coz he can't talk. His whole lower body is bloated due to the IV drip.

Slowly I listened to his breathing and he vomitted...slowly slipped away. I said to him "Are you leaving us, Uni? Coz if u are, please let me know." He took last gulp of breathe and passed away in my arms. He was gone on 22nd June 2011 approximately 9am...exactly the same time my Dad died 2 months and 28 days before that. He was exactly 44 years 6 days old.
Uni's funeral was held in the longhouse. Many didn't expect this coming; some even shocked to hear he was admitted to hospital before that.

He was buried in Lebaan Cemetery in Bawang Assan alongside
my late aunt Rita Satu ak Suli (dad's youngest sister), my grandfather Suli ak Berinyang and grandmother Ensuna ak Along (both my dad's parents) on 24th June 2011. 'Ngetas ulit' was a week after the funeral.

I'm starting a new life alone now. This year proves to be very,very difficult for me. It's a bumpy road ahead...coming out of a directionless relationship, had to quit my job of three years, I had a breakdown and depression. I know it's a scar would take a long time to heal, but I wanna survive this and I pray I will survive this.

Farewell, dear brother


On the way to the cemetery


Final resting place

Happy Gawai Peeps!

My sweet dad in memory Gawai 2010

Doing what he loves best

Happy Gawai Dayak And Kaamatan to all my Sarawakian and Sabahan friends out there. Have a blessed holiday to all of u.
As for this year, I'm not celebrating but I will be in the longhouse. I welcome guests but I apologize for the preparations this year. This year is very lonely for me... usually we celebrate at the longhouse even though it's just me, him and Brother John. I remember he will to the orchard to get bamboos to make his traditional special menu , the lemang. He also loved to cook 'lulun babi' (pork in bamboo) and 'kasam ikan' (fermented fish). He will sit in the ruai waiting for the countdown and shout 'OOOOHHHAAAA!!' once it's midnite. Then he will go from one 'ruai' (long corridor) to another serving his specially reserved 'tuak' (rice wine). People loved him for his generosity, wisdom, warmth and personality. But this year I'm alone with John. I won't be sitting at the 'ruai' like the rest of the longhouse. I rather be alone.

My new and latest tatts addition

My leg tatt

My shoulder tatt (iban design)

Sorry for the long hiatus

Dear all,
it's been so long and i apologize. It's a rough start for me this year. My dad (Mr Jeffrey Demang ak Suli) passed away on 24th March 2011. I had to quit my job since there's no one to take care of John, my handicapped brother. Now I'm taking care of him in the longhouse.



Daddy's final resting in Salim Catholic Cemetery (buried on 27th March 2011)

From left: Uncle Robert (Mom's youngest brother), Indai Tina (Uncle's wife), Dad.
Squatting : Uncle Bernard from Miri

We went to Mom and Frank's cemetery when my uncle came here recently.

My uncle from Miri came with his wife to visit us last December. It was unexpected but nevertheless pleasant. He changed a lot physically since falling sick due to chemical exposure during his working stint offshore.

He was my late mom's eldest brother. He lost his eldest daughter to cancer who left 5 small kids in 2004. I can understand his grievance and it shows when he came to visit.

Fever has struck!

Last nite had a fever of 40c.had to apply cold wet compress to lower the temp. Went to my annual CNY company dinner last nite. I was ok the early part of the evening. By the time halfway of the course, i started to lose my tastebud, and blocked nose. then i can feel my body temp rises....i head home...had a fever chill. Took my meds, watch my korean drama..head for bed.then, i cudnt sleep....i can feel my bed is getting warmer due to my fever. so i wet a towel and applied it to my body and forehead. then it started to cool down. for a moment, i had hallucinations....i can hear voices in my room and thot i saw people there....scary wooo!!
But now i am getting ok...just some cough and sniffy nose.

Day 3...coughing

Day 1. Flu...sneezing non stop. I became the lost twin of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Day 2. Snotty and 'sengau'. I sound like a blocked pipe.

Day 3. Coughing. Hacky and eeeewwwww!!

Day 4. Hoping to recover....