Mommy's 5th Anniversary (8 March 1949 - 11 August 2006)

I didn't realize it, until a friend mentioned his birthday today...his coincided with Mom's death. As for now I have tonnes of things to say...but I couldn't put it into words.
If I could have one real conversation with Mom today, I would have lots of things to ask, things to tell, things to cry on, things to laugh at. I would like to hug her, not wanting to let her go. I would bring her to go and dine at her fave restaurants, having her fave food. Take her window shopping, buy her things she wanted. Hold her hands while walking side by side. It will be a blissful and memorable day. All this I wanted, for whatever cost it may take. But I come to realize one thing, am I willing to let her go again, like 5 years ago? I still had a hard time coping with her demise. With no family around me anymore, it's hard for me to talk about this. All I can do now is cry my heart out, remember our best moments, pray for her and feeling better. As I quote Albert Smith, tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.
Mommy, aku cukup lelengau ka nuan...pedis aku nadai nuan madah ka aku tuku pengidup tok. Nuan nadai ngajar aku, nuan nadai ba sepiak aku maya aku tusah, maya aku gaga. Mommy, nuan semampai dalam ati nggau sembahyang aku. ( Mommy, I really miss u...it's really hard for me not having u telling me about life lessons. Ure not here to guide me, ure not by my side when I sad, when I'm happy. Mommy, ure always in my heart and prayers.)

My dear late brother John Little..RIP

John Little ak Jeffrey Demang (15th June 1967-22nd June 2011)

On June 13 morning, my eldest brother, John Little was unconscious at the longhouse in Bawang Assan. The ambulance took him to the hospital that morning with little hope in my heart. He was admitted to ward in noon for observation. He was severely dehydrated and hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). The doctors told me of his weak heart and lung infection which explains why he has been having terrible mucus and cough. I took care of him in the hospital for 6 days with 3-hourly feeding time of Enercal milk via feeding tube. He even spent his 44th birthday in the ward which falls on the 15th. He was discharged on the 19th and went home to longhouse.

During the day, he was on normal behaviour and diet of 30ml of glucose drink and 3-hourly milk. Lunch and dinner consists of blended diet of porridge, fish and vegetable. By night, he couldn't slept a wink. He constantly whining and moaning..I guess he is in great deal of pain but he couldn't tell me coz he can't talk. His whole lower body is bloated due to the IV drip.

Slowly I listened to his breathing and he vomitted...slowly slipped away. I said to him "Are you leaving us, Uni? Coz if u are, please let me know." He took last gulp of breathe and passed away in my arms. He was gone on 22nd June 2011 approximately 9am...exactly the same time my Dad died 2 months and 28 days before that. He was exactly 44 years 6 days old.
Uni's funeral was held in the longhouse. Many didn't expect this coming; some even shocked to hear he was admitted to hospital before that.

He was buried in Lebaan Cemetery in Bawang Assan alongside
my late aunt Rita Satu ak Suli (dad's youngest sister), my grandfather Suli ak Berinyang and grandmother Ensuna ak Along (both my dad's parents) on 24th June 2011. 'Ngetas ulit' was a week after the funeral.

I'm starting a new life alone now. This year proves to be very,very difficult for me. It's a bumpy road ahead...coming out of a directionless relationship, had to quit my job of three years, I had a breakdown and depression. I know it's a scar would take a long time to heal, but I wanna survive this and I pray I will survive this.

Farewell, dear brother


On the way to the cemetery


Final resting place

Happy Gawai Peeps!

My sweet dad in memory Gawai 2010

Doing what he loves best

Happy Gawai Dayak And Kaamatan to all my Sarawakian and Sabahan friends out there. Have a blessed holiday to all of u.
As for this year, I'm not celebrating but I will be in the longhouse. I welcome guests but I apologize for the preparations this year. This year is very lonely for me... usually we celebrate at the longhouse even though it's just me, him and Brother John. I remember he will to the orchard to get bamboos to make his traditional special menu , the lemang. He also loved to cook 'lulun babi' (pork in bamboo) and 'kasam ikan' (fermented fish). He will sit in the ruai waiting for the countdown and shout 'OOOOHHHAAAA!!' once it's midnite. Then he will go from one 'ruai' (long corridor) to another serving his specially reserved 'tuak' (rice wine). People loved him for his generosity, wisdom, warmth and personality. But this year I'm alone with John. I won't be sitting at the 'ruai' like the rest of the longhouse. I rather be alone.

My new and latest tatts addition

My leg tatt

My shoulder tatt (iban design)

Sorry for the long hiatus

Dear all,
it's been so long and i apologize. It's a rough start for me this year. My dad (Mr Jeffrey Demang ak Suli) passed away on 24th March 2011. I had to quit my job since there's no one to take care of John, my handicapped brother. Now I'm taking care of him in the longhouse.



Daddy's final resting in Salim Catholic Cemetery (buried on 27th March 2011)